A little over a week from now, my boyfriend and I will pack up the car and take a four hour drive to where our 15 month old son lives with his family. In that span of time, I will probably doubt myself numerous times, have a couple of panic attacks, and perhaps at some point be overcome with actual excitement. Being a birth momma, especially one with anxiety issues, is definitely never boring.
When placing my son for adoption, I never imagined that a boy so small and seemingly perfect could actually terrify the living hell out of me. His opinion of me, even at a mere 15 months, seems so huge. The thought of his stranger danger fears being directed toward me, his literal Easy Bake Oven, make me sad even though I know how common they are. But the sadness and fear is eliminated, or perhaps lessened significantly, when I take into account that me being a ‘stranger’ means he has bonded with his mother so well.
From the time we walk in the door of their beautiful house, I know all the stress and agonizing will be made to seem silly. In finding Liam’s family, Mike and I found an extension of our own and our visits are evidence of that. When finding Heather and Darren, we were lucky enough to find the older, more established versions of ourselves (at least we hope!). Everybody plays with the boys and catches up on the words and events that can’t always make their way through text messages. There will be food and laughs, hugs and smiles all around.
Some of the highest moments within visits contain seeing Liam’s new ‘tricks’. This time around, I hope to catch a few steps, maybe a word or two. There will be books to read, shows to watch, and cars to push around. If nothing else, his big brother will keep us entertained with his two-year-old shenanigans. There will be naps to take, where maybe I can sneak a snuggle and a moment where time seems to stop for awhile.
All the fun will have to come to an end at some point though. I may shed a few tears and my heart strings may tug a little, but I know that with each visit the bond between all of us only deepens. When I take the time to stop and think, I realize that my cup truly runneth over with love and friendship. I can’t wait for next week to pass for me to see the people I love and have a great time.
Editor Notes: Sam is an inspiring young woman and first mom. We commend Sam for her bravery, her decision to choose adoption and for sharing her adoption story with us. If you are considering adoption and would like to learn more, feel free to visit our company website at www.youradoptiongateway.com or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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